Thursday, July 07, 2005

Don't Push Me...
The old push-pop commercial was a kid getting pushed by a bully and then saying to him, "Don't push me, push a Push-Pop!" Was this supposed to thwart off the bully? The bully just thinks to himself, "Well, I could continue to mess with this kid until I get all his money...but the temptation of a frozen fruity desert is too much to pass up."
Lunchables. When I was a kid, I adored them. I looked forward to them, I enjoyed eating them, they were very much a source of happiness for me. Whenever I needed someone to tuck me in at night, I took out a Lunchable and opened it up, and spilled out all three of the main foods, and then they would grab my blanket and tuck me in. Lunchables were my mother, father, sister, and brother, all rolled up into one fun meal, divided into Ritz crackers (regular), a stack of 90 degree-angle cheese (presumably cheddar), and roundly-cut meat slices.
Not until recently did I figure out that Lunchables are the worst fucking lunch on the face of the not bite-sized Milky Way galaxy. The roundabout meat slices are doused in water, as though one of the stops on the Lunchable conveyor belt was a hose-down process of the meat.
"And this here is our hose-down meat slice station. Hope you like your meat slices hosed-down with water, Mr. Supervisor."
"Actually, Gene, I love it!"
Were it not for the fun-sized (so-called) Snickers, the Lunchable company would be out of business faster than you can say "Uncrustables."

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Oprah and Housepets
A friend of mine (girl) told me that she didn't understand "Aqua Teen Hunger Force," saying that it appeals only to guys. But she is a big Oprah fan. If the entire Oprah studio and viewing audience were stuck together on a deserted island, they would all eventually die out. They need just one XY chromosome. Can't...find...it!
A lot of people like to describe themselves as a "dog person" or a "cat person." First of all, how cool would it be if you could actually be a Dog-Person? Or a Cat-Person. You could bark and then eat Fro Yo. Or be curious like a cat about what the weather's going to be like. Maybe Dog-Persons and Cat-Persons are a bad idea.
However, I have a hunch that science has missed out on a few hybrids that could have made the process of evolution that much more awesome. I'm talking a Leopard-Lizard. Or a Human Infant-Elk. Just take the sperm of each, and combine it, and you got yourself some science.
I am actually a "dog person" and a "cat person." I respect where each side is coming from. I have no disrespect for cats or dogs. They both do very cat and dog things. Some people really like to diss (sp?) dogs and cats. Like "Cats don't have any personality" or "Dogs are stupid." Why do you do that? Dogs don't get on our backs about supporting the Iraq war as long as we personally don't actually have to fight it. Cats don't meow loudly at us for avoiding flossing even though we clearly have the proper apparatus.
The only pet we ever had was fish. Fish is a good character builder. They tend to die a lot, so if people you know start to die a lot, you're kind of use to that, except the main difference being that the people you knew didn't die a more tragic death--drowning in water. Except Uncle Sol, who drowned in water.
Hamster and gerbil kids were always a little weird. Not mean or anything, but weird. Still, though, very much willing to let you pet said rodent.
Did you ever meet a "ferret person"? A ferret-owner?
Some people own snakes. Those people end up doing really well in high school, and then really bad in college. And their mom's names are usually Pam. At least this one kid I knew. Whose mom's name was Pam. And owned a snake. And started growing hair on his body before everyone else did.
I admire children with a pet turtle. Though some of them end up having problems, too. Problem Child 2.