Saturday, June 25, 2005

On Child Molestation
There's a rule at the summer day camp I work at that the counsellors are not allowed to touch the campers. At all. I mean, I'm sure that high five's are permitted. But that's about it. Perhaps a light pat on the head. Oh wait, I'm sorry. No, light pats on the head are not allowed. I know that if I ever run for public office, this next sentence will be held against me, but really, what's the big deal about touching children? Now I know that there is good touching and bad touching. For instance:
High five- Good touching
High five and then touching a kid's nipples- Bad touching
Tickling- Good touching
Tickling a kid's nipples- Bad touching
But the fact is that parents have now, seemingly more than ever, reached a paranoia that disallows their children from reaping the benefits of touching. Like we as counsellors are not allowed to put sun screen on the children. Which of the following seems more cruel to you?
1. Andrew ran up to his counsellor Richard after their group had been playing in the sun for ten minutes. "Richard," Andrew chirped in his innocent and childlike voice, "Can you put some sun screen on me?" "Well," Richard replied, "I'm not supposed to, but sure. So long as you don't burn in that hot sun, right Andrew?" "Right! Richard, you're a great counsellor. And not just because you gave me your Bugles yesterday."
2. Andrew ran up to his counsellor Richard after their group had been playing in the sun for ten minutes. "Richard," Andrew chirped in his innocent and chidlike voice, "Can you put some sun screen on me?" "Well," Richard replied, "I'm not supposed to, so I won't." For the next hour, Andrew played in the sun, the scorching beams from which gave Andrew blistering burns all over his arms, legs, neck, face, and scalp, as he had gotten his head shaved the day before. Andrew was virtually paralyzed for two weeks, simply due to his burn. The sun didn't just burn Andrew on the outside, but all the way to the core of his being, so that he became unable to rationalize anything to himself except that his own death was immiment. His catatonic state caused him to lose all his friends, self-esteem, and ability to continue playing the bassoon.
If only Richard had simply applied sunscreen to Andrew's key areas. But alas. Our children must burn.
I think that some well-known psychologist like Dr. Phil should suddenly release a book that discusses childcare. And the main idea of the book would be that combining childcare and carrots is the best way to raise your kid. This could be a passage from the book, entitled Carroting for Your Children.
It is always important for your child to know that a carrot awaits his or her every behavior. If your child does his or her homework, reward him or her with a nice long carrot. Just eating that carrot will positively reinforce your child, so that the same will be done the next day. The same goes for everything positive. If your child cleans his or her room, give him or her a carrot. If he or she goes to bed when told, give him or her a carrot. Even if he or she eats plenty of small carrots, give him or her another big carrot for eating those other carrots.
As helpful as a carrot can be for your accomplished child, it should also be employed when disciplining him or her. A long, orange carrot, fresh from the market or garden (if home-grown) can work wonders where a simple and useful talk with your child can't. If your child makes a mess at the dinner table, make him or her eat a carrot. As they say, "That'll teach 'em!" If your child refuses to eat dessert, make him or her eat a carrot. How's that for dessert? Or if your child insults a sibling, make him or her eat a carrot. And give an extra carrot to his or her sibling, mainly as a gift for being called names by your other carrot-eating child.
Sure, your carrot expenses as a parent may stack up--they may, in fact, be staggering. But just think of all the carrots that your child will eat. And all the time you'll save on talking to your child in an intelligent and comprehensive manner.
I am fully confident that parents would (pun certainly intended) bite into the Carrot Care Plan. Let's find out on tomorrow's blog if the plan worked!

1 Comments:

Blogger Elaine said...

Yeah, that sunscreen rule is bogus. What's next, no spanking kids? No slapping them around a little? These twenty-first century rules...ugh. THe sunscreen thing is pretty counter-intuitive though.

10:13 PM  

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