Thursday, July 07, 2005

Don't Push Me...
The old push-pop commercial was a kid getting pushed by a bully and then saying to him, "Don't push me, push a Push-Pop!" Was this supposed to thwart off the bully? The bully just thinks to himself, "Well, I could continue to mess with this kid until I get all his money...but the temptation of a frozen fruity desert is too much to pass up."
Lunchables. When I was a kid, I adored them. I looked forward to them, I enjoyed eating them, they were very much a source of happiness for me. Whenever I needed someone to tuck me in at night, I took out a Lunchable and opened it up, and spilled out all three of the main foods, and then they would grab my blanket and tuck me in. Lunchables were my mother, father, sister, and brother, all rolled up into one fun meal, divided into Ritz crackers (regular), a stack of 90 degree-angle cheese (presumably cheddar), and roundly-cut meat slices.
Not until recently did I figure out that Lunchables are the worst fucking lunch on the face of the not bite-sized Milky Way galaxy. The roundabout meat slices are doused in water, as though one of the stops on the Lunchable conveyor belt was a hose-down process of the meat.
"And this here is our hose-down meat slice station. Hope you like your meat slices hosed-down with water, Mr. Supervisor."
"Actually, Gene, I love it!"
Were it not for the fun-sized (so-called) Snickers, the Lunchable company would be out of business faster than you can say "Uncrustables."

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Oprah and Housepets
A friend of mine (girl) told me that she didn't understand "Aqua Teen Hunger Force," saying that it appeals only to guys. But she is a big Oprah fan. If the entire Oprah studio and viewing audience were stuck together on a deserted island, they would all eventually die out. They need just one XY chromosome. Can'!
A lot of people like to describe themselves as a "dog person" or a "cat person." First of all, how cool would it be if you could actually be a Dog-Person? Or a Cat-Person. You could bark and then eat Fro Yo. Or be curious like a cat about what the weather's going to be like. Maybe Dog-Persons and Cat-Persons are a bad idea.
However, I have a hunch that science has missed out on a few hybrids that could have made the process of evolution that much more awesome. I'm talking a Leopard-Lizard. Or a Human Infant-Elk. Just take the sperm of each, and combine it, and you got yourself some science.
I am actually a "dog person" and a "cat person." I respect where each side is coming from. I have no disrespect for cats or dogs. They both do very cat and dog things. Some people really like to diss (sp?) dogs and cats. Like "Cats don't have any personality" or "Dogs are stupid." Why do you do that? Dogs don't get on our backs about supporting the Iraq war as long as we personally don't actually have to fight it. Cats don't meow loudly at us for avoiding flossing even though we clearly have the proper apparatus.
The only pet we ever had was fish. Fish is a good character builder. They tend to die a lot, so if people you know start to die a lot, you're kind of use to that, except the main difference being that the people you knew didn't die a more tragic death--drowning in water. Except Uncle Sol, who drowned in water.
Hamster and gerbil kids were always a little weird. Not mean or anything, but weird. Still, though, very much willing to let you pet said rodent.
Did you ever meet a "ferret person"? A ferret-owner?
Some people own snakes. Those people end up doing really well in high school, and then really bad in college. And their mom's names are usually Pam. At least this one kid I knew. Whose mom's name was Pam. And owned a snake. And started growing hair on his body before everyone else did.
I admire children with a pet turtle. Though some of them end up having problems, too. Problem Child 2.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Thoughts Based on Antagonistic Political Sentiment
A friend of mine, whose name I do remember but will not reveal because this is the Internet, told me that on a recent poll (I forgot which), Ronald Reagan was voted the Best American of All-Time. Ronald Reagan. I will type his name one more time, and then another time with what I believe should be his nickname in quotation marks. Ronald Reagan. Ronald "Fucking" Reagan.
Yes, I realize that Ronald Reagan is dead. That doesn't mean that we have to start liking him. It's not like he's a musician. The proof that Reagan is not the all-time best American lies not in the pudding, but in his nickname. He was known as the Great Communicator. That only meant he was great at communicating. And it almost seems to imply that he was a poor politician. Otherwise, his nickname would have been The Great President, or perhaps even The Great Communicator and the Luke Warm President.
I can think of a few people who were better Americans than Reagan. Richard Nixon, for example. He cared about this country so much, that he went to greater lengths than ever before to get re-elected. He created his own committee and everything.
I would even go so far as to say that Meredith Vierra, "The View" co-host is a better American than Reagan. She has stuck with that show the longest out of the co-hosts, while also doing a rather awful version of the show, "Who Wants to be a Millionaire." Something about that seems American to me.
You know the movie A League of Their Own. It seems at first that all those women who loved playing baseball was a good thing. But if they enjoy baseball and keep playing it, it's sadistic. The only way that they can keep playing is if World War II continues. Yes, let's salvage this mid-west based 4-team baseball league in exchange for the lives of our brave soldiers.
I hope that came off as more humorous than it did anti-feminist.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

On Child Molestation
There's a rule at the summer day camp I work at that the counsellors are not allowed to touch the campers. At all. I mean, I'm sure that high five's are permitted. But that's about it. Perhaps a light pat on the head. Oh wait, I'm sorry. No, light pats on the head are not allowed. I know that if I ever run for public office, this next sentence will be held against me, but really, what's the big deal about touching children? Now I know that there is good touching and bad touching. For instance:
High five- Good touching
High five and then touching a kid's nipples- Bad touching
Tickling- Good touching
Tickling a kid's nipples- Bad touching
But the fact is that parents have now, seemingly more than ever, reached a paranoia that disallows their children from reaping the benefits of touching. Like we as counsellors are not allowed to put sun screen on the children. Which of the following seems more cruel to you?
1. Andrew ran up to his counsellor Richard after their group had been playing in the sun for ten minutes. "Richard," Andrew chirped in his innocent and childlike voice, "Can you put some sun screen on me?" "Well," Richard replied, "I'm not supposed to, but sure. So long as you don't burn in that hot sun, right Andrew?" "Right! Richard, you're a great counsellor. And not just because you gave me your Bugles yesterday."
2. Andrew ran up to his counsellor Richard after their group had been playing in the sun for ten minutes. "Richard," Andrew chirped in his innocent and chidlike voice, "Can you put some sun screen on me?" "Well," Richard replied, "I'm not supposed to, so I won't." For the next hour, Andrew played in the sun, the scorching beams from which gave Andrew blistering burns all over his arms, legs, neck, face, and scalp, as he had gotten his head shaved the day before. Andrew was virtually paralyzed for two weeks, simply due to his burn. The sun didn't just burn Andrew on the outside, but all the way to the core of his being, so that he became unable to rationalize anything to himself except that his own death was immiment. His catatonic state caused him to lose all his friends, self-esteem, and ability to continue playing the bassoon.
If only Richard had simply applied sunscreen to Andrew's key areas. But alas. Our children must burn.
I think that some well-known psychologist like Dr. Phil should suddenly release a book that discusses childcare. And the main idea of the book would be that combining childcare and carrots is the best way to raise your kid. This could be a passage from the book, entitled Carroting for Your Children.
It is always important for your child to know that a carrot awaits his or her every behavior. If your child does his or her homework, reward him or her with a nice long carrot. Just eating that carrot will positively reinforce your child, so that the same will be done the next day. The same goes for everything positive. If your child cleans his or her room, give him or her a carrot. If he or she goes to bed when told, give him or her a carrot. Even if he or she eats plenty of small carrots, give him or her another big carrot for eating those other carrots.
As helpful as a carrot can be for your accomplished child, it should also be employed when disciplining him or her. A long, orange carrot, fresh from the market or garden (if home-grown) can work wonders where a simple and useful talk with your child can't. If your child makes a mess at the dinner table, make him or her eat a carrot. As they say, "That'll teach 'em!" If your child refuses to eat dessert, make him or her eat a carrot. How's that for dessert? Or if your child insults a sibling, make him or her eat a carrot. And give an extra carrot to his or her sibling, mainly as a gift for being called names by your other carrot-eating child.
Sure, your carrot expenses as a parent may stack up--they may, in fact, be staggering. But just think of all the carrots that your child will eat. And all the time you'll save on talking to your child in an intelligent and comprehensive manner.
I am fully confident that parents would (pun certainly intended) bite into the Carrot Care Plan. Let's find out on tomorrow's blog if the plan worked!

Wednesday, June 22, 2005


Morgan Spurlock, mastermind behind the meat-packed docu-thriller "Supersize Me" (2004) has just aired the first episode of his new show "30 Days." The concept behind "30 Days" is clear from the title as long as you have seen his documeatery. Basically, each episode, Spurlock or another subject tries going 30 days straight while doing something. For instance, 30 days of living on minimum wage, or 30 days of living without gasoline and the fossil fuels that Americans rely so heavily on today, or 30 days of being a Muslim in America.
Luckily, I got a sneak peek at some of these episodes, and I can reveal the conclusion that Spurlock has reached for each of them.
30 days of living on minimum wage--It sucks.
30 days of living without gasoline or fossil fuels--It sucks.
30 days of of being a Muslim in America--It really sucks.
It must be an especially entertaining show for those Americans who actually are on living on minimum wage. I'm sure they'll kick back every night on their couches--or rather, their footstools, sip a tall glass of expired milk, turn on their broken black-and-white TV sets, and watch Morgan Spurlock with an eye of recognition, thinking, "Hey, we live just like that, too!"
I did enjoy the movie "Supersize Me", though I question the effect it had on people who watched it, who were so depressed just looking at those horrible statistics and side effects of eating fast food for a month straight that they had to drown their sorrows in a 2 Cheeseburgers Meal--with Orange Soda for Vitamin C. Though to be perfectly frank, the movie didn't really deter me from eating fast food--it just solidified my doubt about my subconsciously floating notion that maybe one month, I should eat nothing but McDonald's.
Here's a synopsis for one of the upcoming episodes of "30 Days":
"A mother concerned about her daughter's alcohol consumption now that she is in college agrees to binge drink for 30 Days ("days" capitalized) to try to get through to her. In a booze-drenched Freaky Friday scenario, the daughter (and America--parentheses mine) will see her mother drunk, vomiting, and hung over as she makes decisions about the tough social choices she faces every day in college. The mother, on the other hand, will become more aware of the enormous social and cultural pressure to drink that faces kids every day of their college careers."
First of all, the mother won't really become aware of anything. It was her knowledge of the college drinking scene that caused her to be on this fine television show in the first place. Secondly, speaking from experience, the average college student does not face an enormous social and cultural pressure to drink every day of their college careers. The only everyday pressure college students faces is worrying that their roommate will walk in on them masturbating.
But in the meantime, good luck Mr. Spurlock! Can't wait to see the episode where you go 30 Days without wearing anything on your feet.

Monday, June 20, 2005

This is the first blog I have ever done in my life

And I am doing it wearing only boxers and a shirt. The rest of my clothing is in the laundry. I'm at home, though, as opposed to a laundromat with a computer kiosk. Pretty soon laundromats will have computers, though I'm sure there's already been some nightly news story--the fun-flavored final story of the night--covering a local laundromat with a new computer kiosk. "'Now,' says Suds n' Such Laundromat owner Paul Panzaro 'Customers can do their laundry and check their e-mail.'"

Anyway, I never told myself that I would get a blog. I just didn't think of myself as, you know, a blog guy. I feel like you have to be a certain degree of Internet Happy. I like the Internet, but I wouldn't call myself Internet Happy.

It's a good thing that they don't call these web diaries. A web log is much different from a diary. People would actually reveal interesting/embarrassing things about themselves if it was a Bdiary.

Personally, though, I would be just as apt to write about my love life in a diary as I would in a web log. It's self-incriminating stuff that I would write in a diary. That's why I never owned a diary. Because I would just write stuff like, "Today I took a dump in the parking lot near a softball game." Why would I want to be reminded of that?

I never understood diaries. "Dear Diary, Today I finally got up the courage to ask out Marjorie, but she turned me down. It felt like a bunch of knives ripping into my chest and cutting out my heart, and then me falling from a building 20 stories high." I would love to reminisce about those good days. Good thing I got my diary!

I actually did try to start a diary several times in my life. I'd keep it for maybe a day or two, and then I made the wise decision to read a book before I go to bed as opposed to writing my own, much shittier book. "There's no continuity to this book!" my publisher would say. "It jumps around all over the place. One day he's striking out in baseball, and the next day he has to visit his grandparents and 'It was boring.'"

I suppose the real reason why I created this blog was to encourage my own creativity. I feel like I have some good thoughts, but I don't really use them for anything because I often don't think they'd be good enough to write in a sketch or write stand-up material about (I like sketch and stand-up comedy, by the way). The beauty of the blog is the lack of pressure. Sure, someone might evaluate your blog by commenting on it, but who cares? That's what they're doing with their time. Maybe they should create their own blog.